19 Days NO LOLLIES
AND 5 MONTHS NO FULL SUGAR COKE
I’ve been thinking about doing this post for a while and today I woke up with an insatiable desire to write. To talk about changes I’ve been making and honor them.
Speaking about bodies and weight is hard, especially when you live in a marginalised one. Being plus size means there is so much focus on what I look like. So much attention and discussion and sometimes it feels like I, and many others are constantly defending our right to exist. It’s exhausting to say the least.
Regardless of this I have had to address certain issues within myself – mainly health wise. My physical health was affecting my mental health and I just couldn’t go on like it any more, something had to change and by making a series of small changes, keeping it manageable I feel like I am finally getting somewhere good.
With these changes I have been given a realization of how disordered my eating had become, starvation followed by binging and repeat – coke was my fav for years – sometimes 2.25 litres a day, so to get a type 2 diabetes was shocking yet not surprising.
The first thing I did was cut out the coke – MAN IT WAS TOUGH I felt like an addict, I tried all the cokes and finally settled on no sugar coke to get me through, it’s been my crutch and although I drink it much less now, I still partake in the odd glass when I’m feeling low.
I was still drinking the odd full sugar fizzy and packing away lollies like you wouldn’t believe – I had a particular obsession with Homebrand sour lollies and white chocolate.
19 days ago I made the choice to just stop – if I want to truly take control of my diabetes I couldn’t just WING it anymore, this is my health – I wanna live a good full life.
I have always been reasonably confident and not ashamed of my size and making these changes public has been important to me, but there is a definable fear there because I don’t wannabe fitspo – I don’t want to be seen as unfeminist as pro diet and pro all these things that fuck so much with women and girls self image and minds – I just wanna be me, a healthy me who isn’t killing myself with sugar.
Health is a very personal thing and you CANNOT judge a persons health by how much they weigh or what dress size they are – I preach self love, wear whatever the eff you want – show those curves.
But no way should you ignore warning signs and be too stubborn to change – my eating habits over YEARS ARE responsible for my health problems – so as I change my disordered eating patterns my body has, is and will change – and I’m am still as body positive if not more body positive than I have EVER BEEN.
I don’t focus on weight and kilos lost but to be really freaking honest, it kind of has become about that for me – about dress sizes and the scales – because it is the easiest way to measure my progress.
I have to be really careful cos those scales play a huge part in my issues – it really fucks with me, I do not own scales but I do use the scales at my doctors to monitor myself – I have to be proactive to be better.
Any way I think I’ve rambled on about this enough.