on my heart, overshare series

Fatty Fat PHAT.

April 24, 2017

I’ve always believed that being thinner was the right way to be, a message ingrained in me from a young age.
Not from my parents, but from everyone around me. I remember at kindy a girl said – I won’t play with you YOU”RE FAT.
My peers at every school told me I was too fat, too big, too tall, too solid.
Extended family members talked about my weight as if it defined who I was.
Even parents of my friends told me I was too large.  Another ‘friend’ told me if I starved myself to lose weight everyone would like me.

It’s funny {not funny} how it all became my life, and such a part of who I was. apologizing for myself without thinking, it was just my ingrained response.
I lived a life of trying to take up as little space as possible. When meeting new people, I’d make a funny joke or reference to my size, just in case they thought that I didn’t know about the space I take up in the world.
I wanted to show them that I knew. I was fat.    I prepared myself with a handful of comebacks in case someone chose to throw a fat joke my way, because it happened. A lot.

How did I get through it? I learned to be kind to myself because few people were kind to me.

You may have heard this before, but honestly, it works.
When my mind goes spinning off into some cruel dialogue along the lines of “I’m not good enough, I’m an imposter” I ask myself, “Would I say this to or about someone I love?’

The answer is no, I would never say horrible things to someone I love. I would say something like, “ you’re doing just fine, you badass bitch, you deserve happiness and love, and you are perfect just the way you are.”

And all of sudden I chill out, knowing that I have my own support.

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