How have I been?
The last few weeks I have been working through who this new me really is. Maybe it sounds funny to say at the age of 30. I never expected when my Dad became ill that it would some how throw off my understanding of myself. The first few weeks of his illness was a daze. It was all survival. Just the idea of going in public, or taking any type of enjoyment from anything was not an option. I had no time to do much else than think about getting to see him most days, brushing my teeth, and taking care of my kids.
6 months on and there have been some dark days the last few weeks where I literally sat and sobbed and told Paul I had no idea who I was anymore. My heart was heavy, I felt like a burden and I felt burdened. I even went so far as to question if maybe I was dealing with some depression issues, but between low b12, this major upheavals in my life taking their toll I was just feeling completely lost. A few of the doctors who have cared for Dad have tried to prepare me for the possibility of depression and some of the anxiety, however these emotions were still something I couldn’t predict. I had the greatest fears that I would lose him fully and that I might never being able to embrace the things that had previously brought me such fulfillment and purpose.
I talked to my Mum about it, my friends about it and the texts came in saying, we get it, I am here for you. That I needed to go easy on myself. I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel finding my place again in this new reality.
After those weeks of heaviness, I made the decision to stop thinking of the end picture and concentrate on the moments and life as it is before me. I decided to begin living again, and going out, even for just a few minutes a day in order to release the anxiety and tension I have been carrying.
What I decided was to give myself one daily task that connected back me back to my passions and start making small lists of to-dos of work, personal life, and even shopping lists. I have felt more present and at ease with things.
The most important thing I have learned during this time is how it is very important to allow yourself to feel things in life. The good, the bad, the ugly. For me, I have never been one to push those feelings away,I do my best to stay strong and do it all. I won’t let anyone in to share the burden with me, because that might mean I was weak. What I have learned is that strong and healthy people share.
I wish I had something more uplifting to say, but I had to share what I have been working through during this time and what has been happening on the other side of this space.I am more fragile and more formative than I have ever been.
I am realizing I have to let myself feel all the feelings as they come and be brave enough to let them do the work.