dementia, on my heart

I am a strong woman who asked for help.

June 15, 2017

Going through what I have been going through for the past year, there is one thing I know for sure – nobody can even comprehend the pain it brings to my daily life, the loss, the frustrations, the anger – the hopelessness, the constant effort to “do the right thing” and feeling so so alone in it.

I have been flamed for saying this previously but I will say it again… When someone has cancer everyone knows how to act, the person who is ill is able to articulate and speak about the pain – with Dementia that doesn’t happen, they are not able to find the words to say, it hurts when I pee, I cant take a shit – it hurts when I breathe – all simple things that if not caught and treated can kill a dementia sufferer.
Some people are scared of people who have dementia, some sufferers are mute and just stare at people intently, others drool, others have erratic outbursts, because the brain is dying,   The disease is scary, the person is not.

It’s terrifying and isolating – and I am doing it alone.
That’s another thing that people say “you’re not alone in this Lisa” um fuck yes I am.  Is anyone else getting phone calls all hours of the day and night, dropping everything and sitting in a hospital fighting for a parents right to be treated promptly and with dignity, I am his only person – he trusts me and I have to be there for him.
It’s not a burden and it is not a privilege, I am a good person and I don’t believe anyone should have no one.

Its a role reversal of the most fucked up, scary, surreal kinds.   I am his caregiver, I make all the decisions for him, along with his team and it’s a heavy load to carry.
I knew it was a matter of time before I broke.

I always knew that counseling would be inevitable, I managed to secure 2 sessions through Aged Concern.   I think at first they doubted how much I needed it, but I pushed forward because I felt like I was dying inside,
I refused to see a counselor who didn’t know about Dementia.

Reasons why I decided to just do it.

  • Everything I feel is extremely intense
  • I’m suffering through a drawn out trauma and I could not stop thinking about it
  • I have unexplained and recurrent headaches, stomach-aches and a run down immune system
  • I felt disconnected
  • My relationships are strained
  • I may or may not have shared mental breakdown over snapchat 😮
  • I was having lots of panic attacks

I just really wanted to share this because sharing is what I do, I am still a strong woman I am now a strong woman who knew when I needed to ask for help.

ps. counseling won’t fix me, there is no fixing this – it’s a situational thing, I am watching my Dad die.
Next time something happens with him I will be a mess again, I am just hoping that talking to someone who is not involved in my life about evvvverything will equip me with tools to handle it better next time.

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