autism, on my heart, overshare series, Parenting

I said a swear word in front of 10 Preschoolers

February 21, 2017

I will set the scene for you.

I am not a morning person,  I wake up in a mood because I don’t like to wake up early.

But I do, and I get myself in the zone for my kids.

My kids don’t really wanna move in the mornings, but I greet them in an optimistic and chipper mood and do my best to get them moving.

This morning Jacob has T day…where they take something that starts with T and share it with the children.

He didn’t wanna participate, it’s anxiety and I get that.  (its all part of being a kid and he has Autism too)

But I lovingly encouraged him to choose a toy to take to preschool, a Trolley.

We live on a main road, traffic on the way to school is bumper to bumper.

I was feeling great cos we managed to get in the right lane and the trip was rather easy.

Have a great day William, love you.

Then I have to coax Jacob out of the car at preschool, he would always rather stay at home with me.

Then I have to coax and be all chipper about the Trolley and prompt him about participation, be all optimistic and chipper and shit.

SO I did and I succeeded.

Great.

Then we get up to daycare and I was soooo proud of my excellent parenting skills

I’m winning.

Oh Lisa they said its R day, not T.

And in my head I just feel like a failure,so in my head all I’m thinking about is what the heck am I going to say to Jacob to make this ok all that prepping and prompting and talking about the letter T and his trolley and I failed him.

You know what I said next, in front of like 9kids 3 teachers and 3 parents.

FUCK>>>>>>>>

Everyone looked at me and I just felt humiliated.

It’s not even about them, they don’t have to understand my struggle.

I try so hard to be a certain type of parent, always put my kids first and all that shit,

It isn’t their faults that they don’t know my struggle.

My whole body felt like it was on fire and I knew the tears were coming.

SO I quietly went and had a word with Jakey, MUmmy was wrong it’s not T Day its R day – so talk about the color red not about your trolley.

Its red Jake do you understand.

I don’t think he had a clue so I just left.

My daughter sensed that I was upset and she says.. It’s ok Mum they will forgive you for swearing.

Then the tears come and I have to walk past all the parents.

I think I look like I have it all together.

Then I get to the car and I look awful, it’s so obvious I’m crying

Crying over the letter T and the word fuck.

I’m a fucking idiot.   Doing my best and still failing,

I thought I was past this part of parenting.

Comments

comments

1 Comment

  1. Ness

    February 21, 2017 at 10:02 am

    Racy Red Trolley!!

    Sending you a huge virtual hug. You’re still an awesome parent. x

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