I will never FIT in.
I have never been one to really give a shit about what people think or feel about me because I am so strong in who I am.
But I think we all have that human need that burns inside me (all of us), we all have is a need to feel like we belong and a need to be accepted by people we view as “our people”.
I have never fitted in, physically, mentally – socially – I walk to the beat of my own drum and that can be especially confronting to some people and then they deem me toxic and unacceptable. I blame my middle child syndrome and my personality – the non conformist, anti authoritarian streak is me in strong and it is fed by the fact that I don’t fit in anywhere so I just rebel to the ‘not giving a fuck’.
That streak comes from being excluded, being told I am not worthy, being chastised and made to feel small – and most importantly it comes from a feeling of not being heard – I just want to be heard, I want my feelings and opinions to count and to be taken on board.
I am undergoing a major season of change in a lot of aspects in my life and it has been eye opening, terrifying and empowering, yet I constantly come back to a feeling of isolation and feeling like no one gets me. (middle child syndrome).
Some big people don’t like me because I have taken charge of my health and started talking about obesity and the effects it has had on me – mentally and physically – I’m a big person and I am staunchly pro EVERY BODY and I really don’t care to make judgements on other peoples health.
I 110% embraced the plus size community and to be experiencing feeling ostracized and rejected because of my choice to lose weight, get well and LIVE is absolutely heart breaking for me.
Yet I’m not surprised cos it’s same story different people – I won’t do live act how they want me too so seeya Lisa.
I’m OK with that really cos it just shows that me being me and being so independent and strong and willing to stand alone and speak on what I believe is right FOR ME is right on.
AND my dears – you have just witnessed me come full circle – and I’m gonna go drop my kids at school and continue to get healthy and not give a fuck.