on my heart, overshare series, Self Love, weight loss

I’m scared to be “normal” (thin).

June 21, 2019

Throughout this whole Bariatric Surgery journey nothing has really fazed me. Lately my thoughts have been consumed lately with the realization that one day I will be thin, each time I have to drop a size or try on something I haven’t worn in a while it dawns on me.

It terrifies me.

I have never been thin, never wanted to be thin, never lusted or dreamed or wished I could be thin.
I never thought that my weight defined me, never felt like it was such a part of my identity, but now because things are changing I see that it is and that it was.

I have always been big, always been comfortable in my own skin, always known I was beautiful and worthy regardless of my weight.
I think so much so, that being big was like a form of rebellion for me, a big fuck you to a world full of people – always telling me I wasn’t enough.

I’m scared of the unknown, I don’t know a small version of myself.
I’m scared that my relationships will change, I’ve always been that fat friend.

Overcoming the acceptance of my body as it exists and developing the need to change it FOR MY HEALTH has been the hardest part of this decision, and I’m 110% committed.

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