dementia, on my heart

I’m the minority/Counseling aftershocks

September 14, 2017

Every month or so I go see a counselor, we talk about everything that has happened surrounding my father’s illness and I have come to realize that a lot of the feelings of abandonment and lack of control come from similar situations that I experienced with him as a child.

I apologize a lot – when people express empathy for my situation I always say things like ‘he was very much an absent father’  he was also a verbally abusive alcoholic, he was always financially there for essentials but he was never present to show support for me.  Over the course of his illness I have definitely got to know him better, I understand more of where he came from and why he was always such a broken man.

I don’t need people to be perfect to love them – I have an ability to see through and accept someone flaws and all.
But in the same breath I do not condone bad behavior – things he has said and done wear on me constantly but I had to draw a line in the sand and focus on doing what I felt was morally right, which is standing by him when no one else could.
Something I noticed quite quickly was how some people have an ability to focus on the negative, and forget everything good that someone ever did.
My Dad is still absent,  his mind is diminishing but I catch rare glimpses of the good man he used to be, and I hold those moments dear

My Dads illness wrecks me, he was never going to have a happy ending, this I am certain but the toll it takes on me is immense and people need to stand up or shut up.

People assume that things are okay with my Dad, if I am not talking about it – things are never OK.   I grieve everyday for my Father who still lives and breathes.
It will end one of two ways – he will die in his sleep quickly and quietly or I will have to watch him fade away, struggle to eat and drink as his brain shuts down, bit by bit.

This is my reality –  no happy endings to this story.

Read more posts about my journey with dementia here.

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