The lost connection and Dementia – He really doesn’t know who I am anymore.
I know that my Dad hasn’t been 100 percent sure who I am for a long time but it has been more prominent in the last 6months, he often says ‘You are my sister, aren’t you?’ Of course my natural reaction was, ‘no, I’m your daughter, Lisa,’ then he just looks confused.
He used to accept me as his daughter for the rest of my visit, during which he was continuously hallucinating that his Parents, brothers and sisters were in the room (his Dad Passed away 20+years ago and his Mum more recently, his sibling have never had much to do with him).
I sit beside him and hold his hand just trying to be there in the moment, and I sense his discomfort for me, all he wants is his parents. When I get there “is Mum with you?’ When I leave “go get Mum for me”.
He really doesn’t know who I am anymore
I have such a mixture of feelings. Some of you know that my Dad has always been very absent, he was never there for me when I needed him but regardless, we were as close as I could handle and when the dementia really kicked in he was so dependent on me and he needed me around, a role I took very seriously.
Part of me is glad that the overwhelming dependence on me part is now over even if it is at the price of him not recognizing me.
It sounds silly but I’m also shocked at how quickly things change, even though it hasn’t been quick…a year since sectioning and formal diagnosis.
I suppose because I haven’t been visiting him most days like I used to it seems quicker. The stages seem pretty fluid but I am guessing this means he is well and truly in the severe stage now.
As much as I dread him leaving this earth and knowing how I will I dread the feeling of not having him here anymore, seeing the consistent decline is cruel and unfair. He can’t understand what is happening so he exists either sleeping or in this protective bubble his wonderful carers and I have created for him.
I wonder how long what he has now will last.